Chapter Eight: “You Look So Fine”
As Lieutenant Hamilton led Heather to the small dance floor, she began to have second thoughts. She could count on one hand the number of times she had danced with someone. Growing up as a preacher’s kid, the opportunities hadn’t exactly abounded for dancing. Coupled with the general awkwardness she felt as a youngster, Heather had to admit to her lack of experience. “I should warn you…”
“Nope, no warnings, Dorothy. Let me discover for myself,” he replied.
“Okaaay,” Heather replied as she stood before him uncertain where she was supposed to put her hands, let alone how she was supposed to move her feet or her body. Hamilton sensed her nervousness and gently clasped her hands before moving them up and placing them on his shoulders. His hands then moved to her waist and rested there.
It felt strange to be close to this man she barely knew. Strange, but not entirely unpleasant. His broad shoulders felt strong under her hands, and she had to admit that he was attractive, in a boyish way. He was smiling again, a smile that reached his hazel eyes. Hamilton guided her in the dance, and their bodies fell into a rhythm, though he maintained a respectful distance.
“You make a fellow glad to be here.”
“Don’t you miss being at home?” Heather asked. She remembered her desperation to return to Jericho despite the fact she had no family there. She couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for those with families to be separated from them.
He nodded. “You bet I do, but if I can’t be there, I might as well be here. I’ve spent most of my adult life away from home. I did the college thing. UT Chattanooga. ROTC while I was there. Then I came in to the Army full time, and I’ve not looked back since.”
“How did you know the military was what you wanted to do?”
“How did you know you wanted to be a teacher? It was a callin’. So, bein’ back here, is it what you expected?”
Heather lowered her head, looking at their feet. Hamilton gently placed his thumb under her chin and lifted it so their eyes met. “No peekin’ down there. Don’t worry. Just dance.”
Hamilton spoke with such earnestness, Heather’s self-consciousness melted away. “I’m relieved to be back, to see the people I care about.”
“And to be back at your house… apartment…shoe,” he said, searching for an appropriate description of her abode.
Heather exhaled loudly. “That’s an interesting story in itself. I had an apartment.”
“Had? Landlord give it away?” he asked.
“More like the New Bern mortars blew it away. I guess I should’ve done a better job sabotaging that factory.”
She spoke in such a tongue-in-cheek manner, Hamilton did a double-take. Was she for real?
“No kiddin’?”
“No kidding.”
“So what about all your things?”
“Most of what I had is gone. I’m okay if I don’t think about it too much. Being away from here has helped in that sense, I suppose. I was cut off a long time ago.”
He frowned. “Do you have what you need? Do you have a place to stay?”
“I’m still in the process of getting everything I need, but I did have a few essentials in my truck. And I did find a place to stay. I’m staying with Jake and Gail Green.”
“Oh, Jake again,” he said knowingly.
“Jake again.”
“You know, I get the feeling that the leggy blonde isn’t too thrilled about it.”
“Why do you say that? Surely you couldn’t hear what they were saying.”
“No, but I am fluent in body language. When we were sittin’ at the bar, I admit that I was checkin’ out the competition.”
Heather shook her head vehemently. “Trust me. Emily and I are not in competition. She’s my friend, and I would never…”
Hamilton laughed. “I meant my competition.”
“Oh.”
“So she looked pretty upset with Jake, and he looked distant from her.”
“Oh, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”
Hamilton leaned down and whispered in her ear one word. “Liar.”
Heather felt her face grow warm. She desperately needed for the conversation to move in a new direction. What good would it do her to know that Jake and Emily were arguing? Jake was never going to be more than a friend to her. She came to that conclusion before going to New Bern and had even told him as much before they said their goodbyes. Tonight only reiterated that notion. Best friends’ boyfriends were off limits. It wasn’t one of her rules, mostly because she’d never had occasion before now to include it, but she gave strong consideration to adding it to her list. The door, which by all accounts had never really been opened but a crack, came slamming shut complete with a deadbolt lock. Yes, she really wanted to leave behind the topic of Jake Green.
“Where’ve you been, Hamilton?”
“All your life?” he chuckled drawing her closer.
“Don’t flatter yourself.” Heather paused. “Things changed a lot last October 1. We’ve been pretty isolated here in Jericho, only getting snippets of information. And from what I’ve been told, we’re still only getting tidbits, but you—you’ve been out there. Where have you been? What have you seen?”
His tone became grave and his easy smile fell away. “You don’t want to know. You think you do, but trust me. You don’t.”
“No, I do want to know. I’ve seen some pretty terrible things. I can take it.”
He considered her words. “Alright then. I’ll tell you the Disney version. I was on leave, visitin’ my family in Soddy Daisy. I’d just returned stateside from Iraq. Ironically, my mama was so relieved because I’d finally be safe. Then the attacks happened. I heard about Atlanta first.” He paused, remembering the trips his family used to make to the capital of the South, going to Braves games, visiting Six Flags. “I was immediately recalled.”
Heather recalled the day of the attacks, seeing the mushroom cloud from the school bus. The sight was terrifying enough when she’d assumed it was the only hit. Later that night when she returned to Jericho and heard that Dale Turner’s mom died in the attack—in the Atlanta attack—the situation became increasingly clear and increasingly muddled. They were in trouble; this was no accident. But who? Why?
“How did you get word? Weren’t communications pretty much shot? For that matter, wasn’t the federal government itself obliterated?” To the best of her knowledge, the attack on Washington, D.C., killed the President and Vice-President, as well as most members of Congress. With the President speaking at a rare joint session of Congress, Heather assumed that a Designated Survivor had been secreted away somewhere, as was custom. Yet she couldn’t be sure because information had been so limited. Those government leaders who survived did so by a stroke of luck, those like John Tomarchio, junior senator from Wyoming and now the self-proclaimed President of the Allied States of America. Tomarchio had been traveling back from visiting with troops in Afghanistan.
“Yeah. It was all pretty much a jumbled mess. Worst case scenario. But you know the military trains for worst case scenarios. The chain of command held.”
“But who was calling the shots?” Her hunger for information shone through her voice.
“My C.O.”
“And who was telling your commanding officer what to do?”
“His C.O.”
Heather’s brows furrowed. Was Hamilton being purposely vague?
Hamilton explained, “It’s not my job to ask questions, Dorothy. It’s my job to do what I’m told. And I was told to aid in relief efforts and help enforce martial law. My regiment worked its way from Ohio to Nebraska and now to Kansas, securing roads and towns.”
Heather always knew that there had to have been some breakdown in order in places other than Jericho. Gray Anderson and the others who went on the fact-finding mission shortly after the attacks confirmed the general lawlessness that abounded. What must it have been like in the cities that weren’t hit? For people who had no resources, no way of eking an existence, panic and chaos must have come swiftly.
“That must have been difficult for you. To leave your family after the attacks, not knowing what you would find when you left.”
“It was. My brothers tried to convince me that the rules had changed, that I didn’t have to leave, but…” his voice trailed off. “I had a duty. We’ll see each other again.”
Heather noticed the shadow that crossed his features. “You can’t go back, can you?”
“As things stand, no. But the Army is my home, these men, my family.”
Heather had so many more questions she wanted to ask. As she looked at the patch on his uniform, the patch that featured the new flag of the Allied States, she couldn’t help but still feel uneasy by its appearance. How did Hamilton go from serving in the U.S. Army to being affiliated with the Allied States? Did he think Civil War was imminent? Why was information being suppressed?
Jake sank onto the barstool, leaning his elbows on the bar and propping his head up with his hands. What was wrong with him? The woman he cared about was offering everything of herself to him, and he wouldn’t accept it. It only went to show he’d not lost his touch. Maybe he could parlay that into something more lasting, a book entitled 101 Ways to Screw Up Your Life. He’d certainly had expert experience. How many times did he dream of Emily when he was gone, wishing that he could have just one more chance to get it right? Freddy used to give him hell for it. Now he had that chance, and he was pushing it aside.
But Emily’s not offering everything of herself, Jake reminded himself. It all came down to the issue of trust, and he couldn’t blame her. If he were in her position, he doubted he would trust himself. He was too unpredictable, too damaged, too…
“Everything all right, Jake?” Mary Bailey asked as she wiped down the counter.
All right? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been ‘all right.’ Sure, there had been moments that were better than others, but his life had consisted of aimlessness, followed by crisis after crisis. With the military in town, he knew he should have felt better. Let someone else bear the weight of rebuilding, of being in charge of the people’s survival. Instead, he felt on edge. For the last four weeks, he’d been unable to pinpoint the source of his unease. He’d thought it had more to do with the loss of his father and the fact Constantino still had not answered for his crimes, but after speaking with Heather earlier and knowing what he did from Hawkins, he knew it went far deeper, and he suspected that this new federal government wasn’t a by-product of terrorist attacks but was instead the perpetrator.
Heather.
He’d gone months without seeing or hearing from her. He’d feared her dead, and she’d proven everyone wrong.
Heather Lisinski and cockroaches—you just can’t get rid of us, she had joked earlier. It was so typically Heather; but behind the easygoing manner in which she spoke and the smiles that lit up her eyes, he knew there was more to Heather than anyone else saw. He just didn’t know why it had taken him so long to recognize that.
All Jake wanted to do was talk to her, to learn everything he could about her. Sitting at the dinner table, knowing that he’d been oblivious to so many basic facts about Heather that others in their presence did know, Jake felt like a heel. More than that, it made him realize he’d been missing out.
Whether Heather would give him the opportunity to get to know her better would be another matter altogether.
The look on Heather’s face as she stood outside the ruins of her apartment building frightened him, the unearthly calm. He’d seen it again tonight. The passive expression as they sat together at the table with Emily, who pressed the issue of the living situation. Heather had been a good sport in the midst of madness, wordlessly acknowledging the relationship between Emily and him and raising a barrier.
You’re better off, Green, he tried to tell himself. The less you’re around Heather, the easier it will be with Emily.
On the other hand, he had been friends with Heather long before he and Emily reunited, and they were living under the same roof. Surely he couldn’t be expected to ignore her altogether. Nor did he want to ignore her. He wanted—oh God, what did he want?
“Jake?” Mary’s voice came through Jake’s thoughts. “Did you hear me?”
Jake lifted his head and nodded. “Nothing’s wrong that more of your fine elixir wouldn’t cure.”
Mary leaned forward, as though confiding in him. She noted the general resignation in his posture, as well as the weariness in his eyes. “You’re welcome to another drink, Jake, but I don’t think it can fix what’s wrong.”
“You saw?” he grimaced.
“Oh yeah,” the curly haired bartender replied as she poured a glass of her special stilled liquor. “Want my observations?”
Truthfully, Jake didn’t particularly want to hear what he knew was coming, but he’d had enough arguing for one night. “Shoot.”
“You came in with Eric, your mom, and Heather, and for the first time in a long time, you looked happy. Jake, it was good to see you smile again. Do you know when I saw you drop the smile? When Emily came in.”
Jake shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“What are you doing to yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You and I have known each other a long time, Jake, and I’ve seen this before. Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?”
“There’s something to be said for tenacity.”
“There’s also something to be said for stupidity.” Mary tilted her head, indicating the makeshift dance floor. “So that handsome young officer finally got Heather to dance with him. They look nice together, don’t they? His name is Hamilton. Heather and Hamilton. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“What do you want me to say?” Annoyance crept into his voice.
She shrugged, playing off his irritation. “You don’t have to say anything. Just thought you might appreciate a change in topic, that’s all. Eric was very excited to have Heather back in town.”
“We all are,” Jake agreed. “She’s one of a kind.”
“She sure is. I’m guessing you may not have a roommate for long. Some young buck—and there are plenty around here—is going to snatch her up.”
“Goodnight, Mary,” Jake replied setting the glass down on the bar with force.
She watched as Jake stalked to the dance floor. A knowing smile spread across her features as she emerged from behind the bar and walked over to the jukebox. That was too easy.
Jake Green had a habit of acting first and thinking about consequences later. He would have been the first to admit that it frequently got him into trouble. He’d been trying to curb that habit, but he figured tomorrow was as a good a day as any to start.
“May I cut in?”
Though her back was turned, Heather would have recognized that voice anywhere. Her eyes met Hamilton’s, a look of supreme amusement on his face to accompany the look of absolute panic that must have filled her own features.
Heather Lisinski had a habit of thinking, and pondering, and then deliberating more before she acted. She could be decisive when called upon to be so, but she was forever running through scenarios in her mind. As she heard Jake’s request, she could not imagine this particular scenario ending well.
“Politeness dictates that I oblige,” the young lieutenant replied as he released Heather. With a twinkle in his eyes, he added, “Dorothy, as always, it was a pleasure. I trust I will see you soon.”
“Goodnight, Hamilton,” Heather replied. She watched as he walked away, so full of information she still didn’t possess. She still hadn’t turned to face Jake, but she felt his presence, the heat from his body, his distinctive scent that reminded her faintly of sandalwood.
“Dorothy?” Jake questioned. Heather could almost hear a frown in his voice.
Heather turned to face him feeling inordinately apprehensive. “You know, Wizard of Oz. Click those ruby slippers and get home to Kansas.”
Oh to be able to click her shoes and disappear to another place—what she wouldn’t give for that ability! At that moment, she wanted to be anywhere but with Jake Green. She felt wounded, and if she was going to lick her wounds, she didn’t want to be faced with seeing him while she did it. And then there was that part of her that didn’t want to be anywhere else except with Jake Green. Being near him made her feel alive again, as though she was awakening from a fog of the mundane.
The sultry tones of a new song began, its light drums and keyboard pattern imitating the sound of a heartbeat. Heather felt her breath catch within her as the song fell in rhythm with her heartbeat. The room around her seemed to melt away, and all she could see was him.
He was beautiful from the curve of his lips to his dark eyes. She remembered that fall afternoon as Jake readied to leave for Rogue River to seek out medicine for his father. The thought that he might not make it back safely tore at her, and she’d kissed him, felt his lips, warm and moist, caressing hers. But what was infinitely more appealing about Jake in Heather’s mind was his intelligence, his fearlessness bordering on audacity, and the love he had for his family and his town.
She needed to get away. She was over thinking again, and nothing good could come from it.
“Look, Jake, it’s been a long day, so…”
“You want me to take you home?” He studied her, how she nervously bit at her bottom lip. Her normally creamy skin was flushed, and she looked like she about to jump out of her skin. He could’ve kicked himself for once again placing her in an awkward situation.
“I—I think that would be best. Don’t you?”
“Yes, that would probably be best.”
Yet neither of them made a move to leave.
“You’re not leaving,” she uttered.
“Neither are you,” he pointed out.
You look so fine.
I want to break your heart and give you mine.
You’re taking me over.
And then it happened. His hands reached out and took possession of her hips. Jake drew himself nearer to Heather, bridging the expanse between them. Heather felt her mouth go dry. She’d been closer to him before, even earlier in the day, for that matter. But this—this felt different.
“What are you doing, Jake?”
“Dancing with you,” he murmured, his warm breath making the delicate shell of her ear tingle.
Moving together to the music, their bodies were molded as if for one another. As much as she knew she should protest and retreat as far in the opposite direction as possible, her feet simply would not cooperate. Being close to Jake, feeling the hardness of his lean muscles, the raw energy he exuded, she wanted to melt into him now, for later—there would be no later.
Her heart continued to pound, its beat resonating in her ears. Was the world spinning around them, its motion fleeting and beautiful and hypnotic, or was it just her imagination? She felt unsteady on her feet as their bodies came into contact, but the way he held her close, Heather had no doubt that he would sustain her with his strength.
It’s so insane.
You’ve got me tethered and chained.
I hear your name, and I’m falling over.
Emboldened, Heather lightly trailed her hands on his shoulders before resting them along the nape of his neck. Unconsciously, she ran her fingertips back and forth through his hair, eliciting a slight hiss from him as his eyes seemed to darken even more. He leaned his forehead against hers, and Heather was reminded once again of the one and only time they’d kissed. She wanted nothing more than to relive that moment in actuality, but the reality of their circumstances began to set in, breaking through the haze of delight that enveloped her. “People are going to talk about this,” she whispered, their lips only inches from one another’s.
“They were going to talk anyway.” His voice was husky, and Heather’s heart quickened.
What are we doing? she thought to herself as she dropped her hands to his shoulders, putting a semblance of distance between their bodies. But as one of his hands moved from her hip to rest below the curve of her jaw line, she didn’t protest the intimate gesture. She couldn’t.
No, she was captivated.
Jake exhaled softly as he touched Heather. Her skin felt so soft against his coarse hands, and for the briefest moment he allowed his thoughts to carry him to places he rarely liked to go.
She was smooth.
He was rough.
She was stunning, from her pert nose and bright blue eyes to her slender curves, curves he found himself wanting to explore more fully. She was vivacious, incredibly sharp, and industrious to the point of unintentionally making others look like fools. She was brave, inherently decent, and innocent in so many ways.
He was a screw up, a wasteful, bitter coward who’d left behind everyone he cared for, a man who destroyed everything he touched.
I can't take it like the other girls.
I won't share it like the other girls
That you used to know.
You look so fine.
He pulled back slightly, reality once again making its presence known. Heather Lisinski was too good for him, and he wouldn’t destroy her with his self-destructive tendencies.
“Heather, about what happened earlier…”
What was there to say? He wasn’t even sure why he’d delayed telling her. He’d played off to Eric that it wouldn’t matter one way or the other, but if that were true, he knew he should have at least mentioned that he and Emily were trying to make things work this time.
Four weeks ago, Jake had been lost. He’d reached out to Emily, fumbling amidst his grief, his anger, his loss, his numbness, and he’d buried himself in her. Wanting to feel something—anything—for whatever length of time, he’d clung to Emily for comfort, for safety, for the snippets of physical pleasure that sex and a warm body provided. As he had watched her disrobe the night of his father’s death, he had believed that their first time together in years would afford some distraction from the events going on around him, some fulfillment. But after, he found himself still grieving, still angry, and still feeling helpless over the losses that surrounded him. He had connected with Emily physically, but emotionally he felt but an echo of what they’d once shared.
In fact, he’d felt emotionally disconnected with everyone until yesterday in the middle of an argument with Major Beck when he saw the slight figure of Heather Lisinski walk into the major’s office. She brought with her something Jake hadn’t felt in the months since her absence: hope.
Jake swallowed hard, realization setting in. It was time to stop lying to himself: his silence had been based on selfishness. He knew the moment he told Heather that he and Emily had rekindled their relationship, Heather would put up a wall, albeit a friendly one, but a wall nonetheless, and that would be it. The end. No more smiles from her, no more furtive glances, no more hope. And so he’d kept quiet, instead enjoying the time he had with her before all the complications could catch up to them. And in so doing, he’d hurt her.
But he’d be damned if he destroyed her.
Heather was surprised to see the turmoil written upon Jake’s features. The tenderness in his eyes contrasted with the determination she saw in the set of his jaw. For as much as a part of her wanted to rail against him, the other parts of her, the rational part and the prideful part, wanted to make the conversation go away. “You don’t owe me anything, Jake. No explanations.”
Knocked down
Cried out
Been down just to find out
I'm through
Bleeding for you
“Still, you got blindsided, and that’s not what I wanted for you. You deserved better.” You deserve better than me. You always have. I’ve known this all along, but I let myself forget.
Heather intended for her words to Jake to sound strong, but they came out more as a sigh. “All I want is for you to be happy. Some part of me always knew that you and Emily were on pause but not over. Who could contend with that? Who would want to?”
Who indeed? Jake silently acknowledged that his relationship with Emily had once been like a force of nature—powerful, intense, all-consuming, and destructive. They’d ended, but he and Emily never had closure. The same issues that troubled them then troubled them now. Only they were older, had few illusions about the other, and the relationship wasn’t all-consuming. But it was real, and Jake needed to see it through. He owed it to Emily. God, he owed her.
Was Emily right? Were they on a perpetual hamster wheel, always moving but going nowhere? Truthfully, Jake hadn’t thought much about it one way or the other, but tonight had given him so much to think about.
I'm open wide.
I want to take you home.
We'll waste some time.
You're the only one for me.
Heather moved her hand over his, and Jake could feel the calluses on her small palm as she gently pulled his hand away from her face and intertwined her fingers with his. Jake fought the urge to smile when he felt her roughened skin. He supposed he should have been concerned or lamented the fact that circumstances in her life had changed so much that the skin was hardened. But he couldn’t feel regret for the coarse skin on her hands. She might have been smooth, but she was also rough.
“You’re pretty amazing, you know that? You could have any man you wanted.”
Not true. Their very conversation was proof of that. “Not if you keep chasing away my prospective dates,” she replied wryly. Tilting her head slightly, she looked up at him. “Why did you ask to cut in?”
You look so fine.
I'm like the desert tonight.
Leave her behind
If you want to show me.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Friends can share a dance.” But even as he said the words, Jake realized how hollow they sounded. There had been nothing friendly about their dance or the responses she drew from him without even trying.
From the slight shake of Heather’s head and the stiffening of her body, Jake knew she thought his words rang untrue, as well. He’d disappointed her again.
Heather spoke calmly, shame washing over her. What were they doing? Over and over, her father had taught that just because something felt good, that didn’t mean it was right. Being close to Jake filled her with a sense of wonderment and yearning. It made her want to forget that anyone else in the world existed.
But she couldn’t forget, even if temptation pulled at her, even if she wished their circumstances were different. “We share more than a dance, Jake. We both love Emily. She was really bothered tonight, and while I know she has no reason in the world to be worried…”
I'm not like all the other girls
I won't take it like the other girls
I won't fake it like the other girls
That you used to know
“…I don’t want to give her cause to doubt that.” She brought her arms down to her side, disentangling herself from him.
Jake nodded as he distanced himself from Heather. Her wall was being erected again, and he had no one to blame but himself. “You’re right. I wasn’t thinking.”
You're taking me over.
Over and over
I'm falling over.
Over and over.
Heather managed a jovial voice, its artificial cheer resonated in her ears. “We’re okay. Aren’t we? No lines crossed.”
Drown in me one more time
Hide inside me tonight
Do what you want to do
Just pretend happy end
Let me know let it show
Ending with letting go.
But as they walked out of Bailey’s, and Jake draped his jacket on Heather’s shoulders, he knew he had crossed the line with her, and it couldn’t happen again.